For when you feel invisible.
Ever found yourself feeling invisible?
I know I’ve mentioned that sometimes a theme will show up quite organically in coaching sessions, workshops, and conversations.
I love when different people shine a light on the same theme.
It invites me to go deeper into it - and if you're up for it, I invite you to do the same.
This theme for last week was feeling invisible.
Unseen.
Unheard.
Do you know what that feels like?
I sure do.
When I'm feeling unseen and unheard, it's like I’m wearing a giant invisible cloak that I don’t remember picking out or putting on.
A cloak that completely covers up who I am and what I care about.
It’s really heavy.
And uncomfortable.
What does it feel like for you?
One client talked about feeling ignored and “irrelevant”.
She said she's stopped sharing her opinions because "nobody wants to hear what she has to say anyway."
What a horrible feeling.
It got me thinking about these questions:
What’s the true cost of our invisibility, both for us and for our world?
What new ideas never get created?
How many people miss the opportunity to truly know us when we’re hidden in plain sight?
And how do we see ourselves when other people aren’t?
I'm noticing that “psychological safety” is no longer reserved just for Harvard Business Review articles.
We know that if we don’t feel safe, we won’t trust others with our ideas, our opinions, or our presence.
Or the delight of getting to experience who we really are.
At work, we may sit there on Zoom and smile and nod, but we won’t say how we really feel.
And we don't point out the truth from where we’re sitting.
So everyone misses out.
Important things go unsaid and creative solutions don’t get born.
We feel like we're on the outside looking in.
And before we can even think about speaking up about what we're feeling (that's if we even want to), there's an internal side to navigate.
How do we work with this internal part of it?
So we can grow towards... 🫘 🌱 🌿 🌷
Seeing and hearing ourselves;
Knowing our own relevance;
Feeling certain that we’re enough;
And accepting who we’re being and what we’re doing?
An important first step on the path towards ⬆️ all of the above is allowing ourselves to feel our emotions.
Here’s an emotions wheel if you want to pinpoint which emotions you’re experiencing when you feel invisible.
There might be many!
And they might not seem like they fit together. That’s perfectly normal.
A lot of my clients, after feeling invisible, start to (consciously or unconsciously) look for evidence to show that they’re feeling invisible because they did something wrong.
If you’re in that swirl right now, I’m so sorry. It’s an awful place to be.
And, I want you to know that NONE of this is your fault.
We live in a patriarchal culture that creates a verrrrrrrrry narrow view of who gets to be seen, heard, and amplified.
Making certain groups of people feel invisible is what that shitty system is all about.
There’s a great article about this - it’s called Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome.
Sometimes, in order to locate ourselves after we’ve been wearing an invisible cloak, we need to look for evidence of what we’re doing right.
It feels super awkward at first.
“Good girls don’t brag!”*
Ah ah ahhhhhh!! Not so fast!
If you want to learn more about "Good Girl" conditioning, read this by Kasia Urbaniak. I had the great pleasure of studying with her when I lived in NYC.
For many of the big-hearted, hard working women I work with, one of their first “homeworks” from me is to keep a record of what they’re proud of // what they’re doing right.
One woman I gave this homework to a couple of weeks ago shared that writing down 3 things she’s proud of at the end her workday gives her "a more positive outlook when I reflect on my days now. It makes me see what an impact I have on my team.” YES! 🏆
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - what we focus on grows.
So if you’re looking for evidence to prove that you’re wrong and bad, you’ll find it.
Been there, done that. Check out this 22-minute podcast episode where I admit to calling myself a “stupid idiot.” [It's a little embarrassing and a lot true.]
And if you’re looking for evidence to prove that you’re phenomenal and brilliant, you’ll find that too.
To recap, if you’re feeling invisible in an area of your life...
1. Feel it.
Maybe write about it in a journal, share your feelings with someone you trust, or play a playlist of sad songs to cry to or dance to or both (reply to this email if you need one - I’ve got one that’s 3+ hours long).
2. Look for things you’re doing right and things that you’re proud of.
They could be as big as “I told the truth to someone I love” and as small as “I love the color on the shirt I’m wearing today.” And everywhere in between!
Write those things down somewhere. Maybe on a notes file on your computer or in your journal. It’s nice to have them in a place you can revisit.
3. Collect the kind things that people say about you.
Write those down too! My friend Claire has a special journal that's dedicated to praise and compliments she receives so she can remind herself of her amazingness when she needs a boost. Read her blog (aptly entitled "Of course I give a f*ck").
“It’s easy to stride past kind words, when we’re short of time, or love for ourselves. Gather compliments like wild flowers, and press them in a book. On the days when the lie that you need to be more consumes you, open the pages. Choose one flower. Run your finger over its contours. It was made just for you.”
-Claire Mackinnon
And one more idea...
4. Please don’t pressure yourself into doing all of this on your own.
Ask a person that you trust to join you on this journey towards being seen both by you and others.
Someone you can share your feelings with and receive compassion from.
And if you're looking for a small community of women to see, hear, support, and celebrate you for the next six months, I can help.
The women in my women's circle have told me that it helped them be more visible as who they really are.
Jessica shared, “Now I can bring the real me out into situations that I wasn’t before - I was kind of holding back and people were missing out.”
Are you longing to bring the REAL you out more too?
You’ll receive powerful practices in a safe, supportive, and courageous space every two weeks with 5 other like-hearted women who want more freedom and permission and less guilts and "shoulds."
We start on April 11th.
As bell hooks said, "Healing is an act of communion."
We all deserve growing conditions that help us thrive!
Let's grow,
Stacy
PS. Friday was Transgender Day of Visibility. If you haven't seen this video "Learn with Love" (by The Trevor Project) yet, I encourage you to check it out. In it, you'll get to meet three beautiful, powerful, and brave trans young people.
PPS. If you know now that the upcoming women's circle is not for you, I love your clarity! Click here to be removed from future emails about it.
PPPS. If asking for what you need makes you feel like you might spontaneously combust, watch this video where I share about two brave [and seemingly very inconvenient!] asks I made in the last month.
