One Year Later
It was one year ago today that I unveiled my decision to hike the PCT, published this website and announced my fundraiser for The Breathe Network. To say that a lot has changed in a year would be quite the understatement. On this day last year I was about to begin the journey of a lifetime: I was setting out to walk 2,650 miles south to north (“NoBo” in Trail lingo) from the border of Mexico to to the border of Canada with my boyfriend Easy. Instead, my journey took me 2,898 east from Portland, Oregon to New York City... after hiking 800 miles first.
I am now single and living in NYC. The fit of my green Deuter backpack, the sensation of sleeping on [an inflatable sleeping pad on] the ground and the feeling of deep belonging in a close, intimate partnership all feel so far away now. I’ve replaced the vast open spaces with possibility, creativity, connection, horns honking, sirens screaming, and a deep sense of purpose.
While we were hiking this summer, I got an email that my dream job was opening. Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts (SWA) was hiring a Director of Enrollment. This was the school I mentioned in my first blog post last year and where I "studied" in their Mastery course in 2014. When I heard this news (I think I was looking at Facebook on my phone in a tiny trail town), I simultaneously knew this job was MADE for me and that I had no chance in hell of getting it. The SWA announces jobs to all of their Mastery graduates, a list of thousands of women. And a large number of these grads would absolutely love to welcome/enroll/invite more women into this movement, sisterhood and community. And this job was the ideal mix of personal connection, empowerment, joyful alignment and big picture structural work that I love. This role was my Ikigai: where my passion, mission, vocation, and profession align.
After I decided to leave the trail after hiking 800 miles in late July, I applied for the job. Every step along the hiring process I had doubts that crept in about the likelihood that I’d be picked for a phone interview, then for the in-person interview, and then for the job itself. These were your garden variety doubts, lots of “who am I to get this dream job” or “what if I’m not enough” or “what if I’m not what they’re looking for.” So while the doubts were very present and campaigning for airtime, my hope was bigger. The hope that I could feel fulfilled and challenged in my career, that I could support more women, and that I could make a difference in women’s lives in a way that also felt fun and joyful for ME. Helping AND filling up at the same time.
Post-PCT, we had no apartment and I had quit my job. After the energy and attention I had poured into the PCT it was time to give my dream that same chance. I felt strongly in my heart that I had to go for it.
One thing led to another and I was asked to come to NYC for an interview. This was when I was in Colorado and Easy was still on the trail. We decided to meet up in Portland and stay with some friends. Living out of a bag for two months after deciding to stop hiking was very challenging for me. On the trail I got so clear that I wanted to be useful again and be more connected with others. I was ready to dive in. Ready to unpack my bags and "stay a while" as my Dad would say. I was also in limbo, waiting to hear back from the SWA. During my “free” space while I was back in Colorado and Easy was still hiking, I was offered a job with people I respect and enjoy. I turned it down so I could focus on the SWA job (with only the phone interview under my belt and no certainty of where I stood as a candidate). It was time to gamble all my chips on me and on the job I wanted the most.
I found out in the week before the eclipse in August that the School of Womanly Arts wanted to bring me out for an in-person interview. It was on the day of the eclipse that I learned that Easy was completely against the idea of moving back to NYC. He knew that I wanted to apply and that the job was in NYC, but I hadn’t asked him directly whether he'd consider it before I got the interview because I thought my chances were slim to none that I'd be asked to proceed for an interview. I’m not proud of how I doubted my own ability to get this job and how that insidious doubt kept me from asking Easy about it sooner. I made the wrong assumption that the space we had cleared in our lives for the trail adventure could also clear the way for more possibilities. I listened to The National’s “Guilty Party” on constant repeat that week.
The interview in NYC was scheduled for early September, right after Easy and I went to our friends' wedding in Vermont. The morning of the interview I saw a small purple sign by the subway station that said “Life isn't happening to you, it's responding to you." It felt important. I rocked the interview and I felt really excited about the possibility of being part of this team. I was both wildly enthusiastic and quietly conflicted because I knew what this would mean for our relationship. After the interview, I flew back to Portland and vacillated between wanting to share my excitement from every rooftop and wanting to downplay the entire thing as an improbable, far away pipe dream.
The day I was offered the job was a day that emotion gathers in my throat just thinking about. Easy and I were in our car when the call came in and he offered to pull over so I could take the call in a Northeast Portland park. I’ll never forget getting the job offer and then turning to walk back to Easy in our car, tears streaming down my face because I knew what this could mean. I also knew that I didn’t want to miss this opportunity.
My start day was at the end of September. We decided to wait and see how the job felt and planned for Easy to come visit me in October. I found a temporary sublet on Craigslist, sent a deposit through PayPal and began to decide what I could fit into 5 bags.
I loved the job and being part of the Enrollment Team right away. This team is an incredible mix of passionate, dedicated and fun folks. Easy came to visit right before Halloween. It became clear pretty quickly that his perspective hadn’t shifted on a move to NYC. He had hoped I wouldn’t like the job. I liked it more than I thought I would. He wanted me to commit to staying 1 year, 2 year or 3 years. Only a month into the job I didn't feel confident that I could commit to a timeframe for my end date.
Our goodbye was a hard one. I didn’t want him to move here and be miserable. He asked me to leave the job behind and I said no. It’s been hard and sad. And, at the end of the day, I trust myself so deeply and I know this was the right move for me. I can’t imagine passing this up and wondering “what if” for a lifetime. And I also trust that it's a clear "no" for him. Occasionally folks ask me why I’ve moved across the country three times. I get it, it's an unusual choice to make once let alone again (and again). It’s the pull inside of me towards something my heart knows I can’t miss. And I've learned to trust that knowing as my compass.
So here it is, 35. When I was younger I imagined so much of my life would have “happened” by now. I remember daydreaming as a kid that I'd be married by 22 and have kids before 28. Sheesh am I glad that it didn't go down like that. I do still dream about a family of my own and being part of a strong and loving team again. A couple of months ago, I thought I was ready to start dating but I realized that I have more feelings that I need to sit with on my own. I'm on the journey, one step at a time, trusting my compass even though I can't see the map just yet.
Thank you all for your love, kindness, humor and support on this special day.
“Admit something:
Everyone you see, you say to them,
”Love me.”
Of course you do not do this out loud;
Otherwise,
Someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this,
This great pull in us to connect.
Why not become the one
Who lives with a full moon in each eye
That is always saying
With that sweet moon
Language
What every other eye in this world
Is dying to
Hear.”
