Now that’s a long walk!

I was really intimidated about the possibility of starting a blog. It’s tough to press that pesky “publish” button when I am about to be really vulnerable on this heckuva platform called the World Wide Web. Also tough to know when to stop editing!

That being said, I knew I couldn’t let my fear of being seen or the pressure to make a more perfect final draft get in the way of writing my blog. I had to get over the judgements in my own head, especially the ones about posting my thoughts in such a public space.

I decided to launch this blog because I’m about to go on a HUGE adventure. I am embarking upon a really long walk from the border of Mexico all the way up to Canada. I’m going to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. Just a cool 2,650 mile hike! We’re starting in April and hope to finish by the end of September. I quit my job two days ago and will be working for three more weeks before we head down south for this big hike.

For those of you who don’t know me well, I have a tendency towards over-working. I described this the other day to a friend as being better at DOING than BEING. Historically, I get a lot of kudos and praise from all that I do at work. A card-carrying People Pleaser for certain. Perhaps somewhat inherited as the daughter of two over-workers, my identity has often been defined by what I do, not necessarily who I am. The more I do, the more “good enough” I feel. Like I’m “earning” my right to exist through my doing. For a fascinating perspective on overworking, click here.

My boyfriend (trail name “Easy”) hiked the PCT in 2007. It’s been such a treat to hear him share his stories from his time on the trail and see the twinkle in his eye about all the ways it changed his life. Ten years ago, when he finished the trail, he made it his dream to come back and hike the PCT again (yes, all the way from Mexico to Canada) with the love of his life. He has been bringing up the idea of hiking the trail since I first met him in October 2014. His bravery to go off on a big and wild adventure alone was one of the things that I found so attractive when we first met. While we have had a lot of conversations about the hike, it wasn’t until the last year that I realized how serious he was about doing it together, with me. To say I was intimidated by the idea would be quite the understatement.

On the surface, it just seemed too long of a hike. I wasn’t sure if I was fit enough, sporty enough, or patient enough. I didn’t know if I could stop working. I didn’t know if the idea of rattlesnakes or grizzly bears or bugs would drive me nuts. I didn’t know if I could say yes to the generous financial support that Easy was offering to enable to take time off work to complete the hike. I was afraid that my 33 (almost 34) year old knees could do it. I was afraid (and if I’m honest, at first I was somewhat irritated) that Easy’s dream relied on my participation. I was worried about making it my own and I didn’t want to be the Supporting Actress of my life, I wanted to be the Lead. Another honest admission, I was afraid that Easy wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with me if I didn’t hike the trail.

I’ve had a hard time finding my place after the election. I was triggered, I was frightened, I was heartbroken. I had experienced a sexual assault in college myself, and to hear the misogynistic, derogatory comments about women during the election (and to see so many voters unphased by this) was devastating and not surprising at the same time. I didn’t know if I was ready to go back into the front lines of nonprofit social justice work. I knew that my current job as Customer Advocate wasn’t tapping into my passion or potential. The bulk of my days on the job are spent responding to customer feedback (i.e. “the tuna salad is too salty” or “I accidentally mistyped my email address for my email receipts.”). I found myself feeling somewhat encouraged that this election cycle brought so many conversations into our lives. Hard conversations, about sexual assault, about racism, about Indigenous rights, about patriotism, about immigration, about reproductive rights, about transphobia, about climate change. It was also extremely eye opening to see where many Americans stand on these issues.

As a survivor of sexual assault, I didn’t know how to respond. I knew deep down that I wasn’t going to find my answer by playing small or hiding. I knew I’d have to face this new reality with a bright and centered confidence from within me; I knew that there wasn’t anything external that could “fix” how I felt. And I knew being angry just wasn’t enough. I was so fortunate and grateful to get to reconnect with some incredible friends through participating in Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts Experience twice - once in November as a participant (the weekend after the election) and once in January as a member of the Enrollment Team (the same weekend of the inauguration).

Everything shifted for me the weekend of the inauguration, the Women’s March, and the Mama Gena school of Womanly Arts Experience (a picture of Meredith, Genna and I from that weekend is below). I was having dinner with my friend Meredith at a hole-in-the-wall ramen restaurant and I was talking about this idea of hiking the PCT. It was almost as if I was obsessed by it - I held so much resistance about the idea but I also just couldn’t set it down. I shared how it had been Easy’s dream and that I wasn't sure it could be mine too. I’ll never forget how touched Meredith was by the idea that Easy wanted to hike from Mexico to Canada with his love, and how seeing this in her eyes helped me to see it clearly myself (he wants to do this big adventure with ME). We both got teary-eyed talking about the weight of this big adventure as we slurped our noodles.

Meredith had this way of asking me really directly and honestly what was in the way of me hiking the PCT with him. While I thought about it, I realized that this trip was an opportunity, a gift of a lifetime. I also realized that I was afraid to really let him in. I was afraid that if I hiked from Mexico to Canada I would be saying that Easy is the love of my life and the person that I was choosing forever. And let me tell ya, THAT was a lot scarier than the idea of going on a really long hike and all the fears associated with the logistics and sheer physical challenge of walking from Mexico to Canada. As soon as I got clear on what my actual fears were, I realized that the risk of NOT hiking the trail led me further away from my own goals, not towards them. During my dinner with Meredith, I could finally see that saying no to the hike so I could keep working in a job that didn’t feel right anymore would be a backwards decision.

In our conversation, Meredith knew that I was hungry for ways to get more involved in the devastating post-Election wake. She knew that I was already involved in efforts to support survivors of sexual violence (read more about The Breathe Network here). She brought up the idea of hiking the trail as a fundraiser, which really excited me. Hiking this trail could enable me to be a part of my community and a part of the resistance in a way that my current job could never offer. I had also applied for a few different jobs that felt more aligned with my purpose, but I wasn’t hearing back from any of them. It didn’t feel right to wait for an interview or a call from a potential employer as the only way to get more involved in the issues I care about. Too passive. I'm the one with the keys. It's up to me to put them in the ignition.

After my dinner that night with Meredith, everything shifted for me. I could see clearly that the hike could not only give me the opportunity to raise funds for a cause I care deeply about but it could also help me honor and strengthen my relationship with my LOVE! What an incredible combination. I just couldn’t miss it.

Of course I'll never forget when I came back from my NYC trip and Easy was finally starting to get used to the idea of not going on the big hike, but that could be another blog post entirely...